Change Your Mind
The difference between living mindfully and not living mindfully is significant. In the case of the latter, we’re constantly dealing with thoughts and emotions that distract or overwhelm us. It’s a little like standing outdoors and being buffeted by a storm we shouldn’t have ventured into, leaving us preoccupied with its intensity. When mindful, it’s as though we’re indoors, sitting in a warm, cosy pub, watching the storm but not getting involved, feeling the calm of our chosen sanctuary. It is the difference between getting caught up in something and witnessing it. Notice that the external event – in this case, the storm – doesn’t change. It still happens. But our experience of it is drastically different.
Ironically, it is through stillness that we come to understand that mindfulness doesn’t make everything suddenly go smoothly. Far from it – we just see things more clearly and feel more comfortable, especially when things go awry. That’s why emphasise the distinction between contentment and happiness.
We often struggle with the word ‘happiness’ because it promotes the idea that everything should pan out as planned; that life is about walking around with a smiley face, and happiness is somehow our default mode. But ‘the pursuit of happiness’ often leads to disappointment because, by the nature of it being an emotion, it cannot be everlasting. Attaining happiness is not what peace of mind is about; it’s about being content and at ease with whatever we’re confronted with, whether that means having an amazing time or an extremely difficult time. Indeed, having the clarity to recognise what is helpful, and the ability to let go of that which is not, is a wonderful thing.
The four Foundations for the Road Ahead
THE FIRST FOUNDATION: PRECIOUS HUMAN LIFE
It seems apt that a book on pregnancy should consider the preciousness of human life, bringing into sharp focus the meaning of this foundation, whether the baby is still safely inside the womb, or being cradled in our arms. It is a miraculous, extraordinary, mind-bending experience to watch as a child enters the world. And then, in the weeks that follow, as the baby lies on the bed on his or her back – say, for a nappy change or to doze with Mum or Dad – we realise that if we left them there, face up, staring at the ceiling, with arms and legs wriggling, they wouldn’t be able to roll on to their stomach without us; they wouldn’t feed or drink for themselves; they wouldn’t be able to help themselves. Defenceless, helpless, oh so delicate, and utterly dependent on us, the preciousness of human life is evident. But this foundation invites us to use such awareness to encompass all human life.
THE SECOND FOUNDATION: IMPERMANENCE
Everything changes. This is an indisputable fact. Yet so often, we live our lives resisting this simple truth and, in so doing, we cause ourselves a huge amount of stress and heartache. The foundation of impermanence asks us to accept that change is inevitable and that nothing and no one ever stays the same, be it the things outside of us – such as circumstances, family, job, relationship – or the things within us, such as our emotional and physiological state.
Pregnancy is probably one of the great expressions of impermanence because the baby is growing and the mother’s body is constantly changing. Not one day of the entire nine months will be or feel the same. Like life itself, the change is ongoing.
THE THIRD FOUNDATION: CAUSE AND EFFECT
Once we start to live more freely and easily, we understand that every little thing we do has a consequence. Many of us know this infallible law of cause and effect conceptually but not experientially, otherwise we might live very differently. Think about it – how many times have you ended up doing the same thing with the same regret, or thinking in the same way, resulting in the same frustration? The truth about cause and effect is that every action we take, and every thought we think, creates its own ripple effect. Furthermore, what we do and what we think can perpetuate any experience, be it pleasant or unpleasant.
Certainly, when pregnant, it pays to slow down, pause and be mindful of how you react; it is mindful to ask yourself if you would say/act in such a way if the baby was not inside the womb, but in your arms.
THE FOURTH FOUNDATION: SUFFERING
It’s not a nice word and it’s probably not something we want to identify or associate with, but no matter what our circumstances are, we will all, at some point, experience suffering, dissatisfaction, frustration, heartbreak, sickness and grief. This doesn’t mean we are doing something wrong, that life is unfair or even that we need to change our circumstances – it is simply part of the human condition. Stress, insecurity, anxiety and depression do not honour status, and affect everyone, regardless of who they are.
Three things tend to lead to the kind of suffering we cause ourselves (our anguish, worries, anxiety, sadness, etc.).
- Ignorance: we suffer when we don’t see things as they really are, whether that’s due to misunderstanding or a lack of clarity because the mind is so busy.
- Attachment: we suffer when we chase something, convinced that our happiness is dependent on the outcome.
- Resistance: we suffer when we try to control that which cannot be controlled, refusing to accept the truth as it is.
Calm mind, Calm baby
Everyone looks forward to that magical moment when mothers and partners get to truly connect with their new son or daughter; able to see and hold the little bundle of joy they have waited so long to meet. Sure, that feeling may not be immediate for all, but when it does happen, the surge of love is quite overwhelming. However, let’s rewind the tape and go back to being pregnant, a time when, for many, a connection with the unborn baby isn’t as strong or isn’t felt at all. Yes, the baby most definitely makes its presence known and triggers different physical sensations, but for many women it’s hard to find ways to relate to their offspring in utero.
That’s where the practice of mindfulness comes in. Our thoughts and the emotional environment we create can actually begin to have a significant influence on our relationship with the baby – even when he or she is still in the womb. In the same way that these tiny beings feed off a mother’s nutrients, they are also impacted by a mother’s state of calm or otherwise. How can they not be? Only skin and a layer of muscle wall separate them from the outside world. They are living human beings tucked away in a cocoon, detecting our every reaction.
If the mind’s tendency leans towards negative thinking – with thoughts spinning into worry, anxiety or fear – the body will respond, creating the ‘stress hormone’ cortisol. Increased cortisol levels not only lead to impaired cognitive performance, but they amp up the body, creating tension in the muscles, and leaving us in a state of ‘fight or flight’. If a mother is sweating cortisol or tied up in knots on the inside, it’s not as if the baby can take five, leave the room, shut the door and wait for her to calm down.
What happens is that cortisol is released from the mother’s adrenal glands, sending a signal to the placenta that the external world is all stressed out; this, in turn, triggers a matching response within the embryo which, as an autonomous unit with its own DNA make-up, generates its own stress hormone
It might be difficult at first for expectant parents to grasp that nervous, anxious or depressed energy can be transferred within the womb. But it is not really such a big leap in imagination. Think back to when you were last in a room with someone who felt really angry – how did that feel? Probably not pleasant – and that’s just with someone external, who is simply in the same room, whereas the baby is part of you. There is enough research out there to suggest that if the mother gets consistently stressed or anxious, the child can then have a hard time regulating its own emotions and anxieties later in life. Everything we experience, they experience – most especially the stress.
If we accept that mindfulness is instrumental in buffering us against negatively stressful situations and reactionary behaviour, then it naturally follows that this gift must be afforded the foetus that absorbs our stress in utero. That is surely the highest goal of mindfulness within the context of this book: setting the intention to create the most favourable conditions for the baby’s optimal wellbeing.
Imagine you could design the perfect environment for your baby to grow in. Imagine you knew how to shelter it from stress, provide it with comfort, every single day. Imagine that as parents, you are both on the same page, understanding each other’s wants and needs, supported by a loving relationship. It is hard to imagine any parent in the world who would not want this for themselves and for their child.
Mindfulness offers us the opportunity to live a life we could once only imagine. It offers us the opportunity for a calm mind and a calm baby.
EXERCISE 1: FERTILITY
APPROACH: Given the motivation for this exercise, there can often be a tendency to apply a lot of effort. In this case, less is more. Visualisation techniques like the one we’re going to use require a gentle approach, as if we’re thinking back to a happy memory. So, don’t worry too much about picturing all the details; focus more on the overall feeling.
PRACTISE:
Find a quiet, not-to-be-disturbed place. Sit upright; back straight, with arms and legs uncrossed and hands on lap. Or you can lie down on a firm surface if preferable. If so, remember to set a timer for, say, 10 minutes, in case you fall asleep.
With eyes open, take three deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. With the third exhalation, close the eyes and allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm.
Take a minute, noticing how the body feels (any obvious aches or pains), without trying to change the breaths, whether they are long or short, deep or shallow.
Next, imagine a steady stream of sunlight pouring down on your head, almost like a shower. It appears like sunlight, but flows like liquid. Imagine that this sunlight has the ability to dissolve any kind of obstacle.
As you imagine this flow of sunlight coming into the body via the head, imagine it is dissolving any aches and pains, any negativity or disturbing emotions, almost as though everything dissolves into sunlight.
Take 5 minutes to watch as this sunlight fills the body, starting from the toes and slowly moving upwards through the torso until it reaches the top of the head.
Even though the entire body is now full, maybe even overflowing, imagine the sunlight still flows from above, and enjoy the feeling of being bathed in warmth. Acknowledge and remember this feeling.
Letting go of any focus at all now, allow your mind to do whatever it wants in the next 10–20 seconds. If it wants to think, let it think; if it wants to stay with the feeling allow it to stay. Whatever it wants, allow it to be free.
Now, slowly bring the attention back to you feeling the sensation of the body against the chair, the feet on the floor and the hands in the lap, as well as any sounds. Give yourself 30 seconds or so before gently opening the eyes.
Take a moment to acknowledge how different you feel. Remind yourself of this feeling and, in your own time, slowly stand up and imagine carrying that feeling with you into the day.
INTEGRATE: Just because we’ve opened our eyes, doesn’t mean the exercise is over. Maintain this idea of nothing but sunlight in your body as you go about your day. At any time, should you get stressed, grab two minutes and remind yourself of this exercise, almost reliving it, remembering the feeling as an experience. By doing this, we are able to cultivate a very calm environment in the body.
EXERCISE 2: RECEIVING THE NEWS
APPROACH: At this time, the mind is likely to be extremely restless and agitated. The last thing you want to do is try and ‘stop’ thoughts during this exercise. Instead, take a step back and allow them to come and go, each time returning to your object of focus. The mind instinctively knows what to do if we approach it in the right way. This exercise will actually prove invaluable, not only now, but at any time during pregnancy or parenthood.
PRACTISE:
Find a quiet, not-to-be-disturbed place. Sit upright; back straight, with arms and legs uncrossed and hands on lap. Or lie down on a firm surface if preferable. If so, remember to set a timer for, say, 10 minutes in case you fall asleep.
With eyes open, take three deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. With the third exhalation, close the eyes and allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm.
Take a minute, noticing how the body feels (any obvious aches or pains), without trying to change the breaths, whether they are long or short, deep or shallow.
Move your attention to the top of the head. Take 30 seconds to slowly scan down through the body, noticing every different physical sensation in more detail, both those that are pleasurable and those that are not.
Bring your attention to the breath and take a minute or two to notice how the breath feels. For example, note if you feel the movement in your chest or in your belly, and if the natural breaths are long or slow, deep or shallow.
As you follow the breath, and to help maintain focus, begin to silently count the breaths as they pass: 1 with the rise, 2 with the fall, then 3, then 4, all the way to a count of 10. Stop and start again. Try this several times through.
The mind will naturally want to run off in different directions right now, but as soon as you realise you’re getting lost in thought, simply return to the breath in a gentle way and pick up the counting from where you left off.
Letting go of any focus at all, allow your mind to do whatever it wants to do in the next 10–20 seconds. If it wants to think, let it think; if it wants to stay with the feeling, allow it to stay. Whatever it wants, allow it to be free.
Now, slowly bring the attention back to you feeling the sensation of the body against the chair, the feet on the floor and the hands in the lap, as well as any sounds. Give yourself 30 seconds or so before gently opening the eyes.
Take a moment to acknowledge how different you feel. Remind yourself of this feeling and, in your own time, slowly stand up and imagine carrying that with you into the day.
INTEGRATE: Given the news you’ve just received, regardless of whether that comes as a surprise or a shock, the mind is likely to be highly agitated throughout the day. Use the breath as an anchor, a place of safety to return to every time you realise the mind is spinning off. There is no need to count as we did in the exercise; instead, gently focus attention on the breath for 30 seconds or so, before continuing with whatever you’re doing.
EXERCISE 3: THE TRIMESTERS
APPROACH: This exercise is our go-to technique throughout the trimesters, to be used any time. It is about helping to create a calm and conducive environment, while fostering greater connection with yourself, your partner and your baby. As with all visualisations, don’t focus too much on the details; instead focus more on the feeling it generates. Also, be aware that sometimes the feeling just isn’t there; it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong – it’s simply like that some days, so try to sit free from any expectation.
PRACTISE:
Find a quiet, not-to-be-disturbed place. Sit upright; back straight, with arms and legs uncrossed and hands on lap. Or lie down on a firm surface if preferable. If so, remember to set a timer for, say, 10 minutes in case you fall asleep.
With eyes open, take three deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. With the third exhalation, close the eyes and allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm.
Take a minute, noticing how the body feels (any obvious aches or pains), without trying to change the breaths, whether they are long or short, deep or shallow.
Next, take 2 minutes to imagine yourself sitting happily and comfortably in your favourite place. Then watch – as you picture yourself looking increasingly relaxed – the tension melt away and any difficulties dissolve into space, leaving nothing but calm.
Repeat this exercise, but now with your partner in mind, in just the same way. Take 2 minutes to imagine them looking happy and well, perfectly at ease, free from stress. As you send them love, picture them until they can’t look any happier.
Now, take 2 minutes to imagine the baby in the womb. Imagine he/she looking as happy as he/she can – the serene picture of peace. Imagine sending your baby feelings of love and kindness, as if mentally transmitting feeling.
Finally, return to that image of yourself, sitting comfortably, perfectly at ease, safe in the knowledge that the family unit is happy and well. See yourself smile, see yourself relax, see yourself laugh, as you feel that sense of connection.
Letting go of any focus at all, allow your mind to do whatever it wants to do in the next 10–20 seconds. If it wants to think, let it think, if it wants to stay with the feeling, allow it to stay. Whatever it wants, allow it to be free.
Now, slowly bring the attention back to you feeling the sensation of the body against the chair, the feet on the floor and the hands in the lap, as well as any sounds. Give yourself 30 seconds or so before gently opening the eyes.
Take a moment to acknowledge how different you feel. Remind yourself of this feeling and, in your own time, slowly stand up and imagine carrying that with you into the day.
INTEGRATE: As with all these exercises, it seems a shame to leave them on the meditation seat, so to speak. There’s no need to run through the whole exercise, but when you find yourself with any free time, or perhaps having a particularly tough part of the day, then simply imagine yourself looking calm and content. Yes, it’s only an idea, but it has a real effect on the body. Likewise, if you’re looking to support your partner, direct it towards them. And something you can both do, all day long, is imagine directing feelings of kindness and love to your baby or child.