Establishing a Bedtime Routine
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Establishing a bedtime routine is an effective way to calm and help your child transition from activities of the day to the quiet of the night. The routine should move from active to passive; noisy to quiet. Add a warm bath, soft music, or a special going-to-bed song, and a small glass of water so thirst is not a reason to get up. Above all, make going to bed fun. Keep the event the same, but vary its length and frequency, and make it appropriate to your child’s likes and dislikes. If your child naps, make the nap early.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
Avoid calling attention to the negative by redirecting— putting attention on something for which you can praise your child. The redirection you choose must be easily doable, developmentally appropriate, and based on your child’s preferences. A warm bath is a good part of the bedtime routine. If your child is hesitant, dip his hand in the water, then a foot, until he is immersed and realizing it is fun. If your child refuses to take a bath, do necessary cleaning with a washcloth, and then take one of your child’s toys and start washing it in the tub, saying how nice the toy feels to be so clean. Invite your child to participate, and praise him for the help. Another example: Ask your child to dim the light in the bedroom. If he refuses, pretend to show a teddy bear how the light goes up and down in brightness
Give a Whale Done!
Reward every evidence of your child’s interest, attention, or participation. For instance, when your child helps to bathe the toy, reward him with praise or a hug. When he contributes an idea or helps with establishing the going-to-bed routine, reinforce each such attitude with a Whale Done. If appropriate, keep a chart of bedtimes and wakeup times. Highlight those times that indicate success and celebrate them. When your child sleeps all night, make a big deal of it.
Handling Tantrums
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If possible, take your child to an environment that is stimulus-free (no toys, games, food, or other items that can grab attention). This permits your child to calm herself down. As soon as she is calm, reinforce the calmness. If a public upset has happened before, the next time before entering the store or other stimulating environment, explain calmly to your child the exact behavior that you want; perhaps sometimes include the promise of a reward for good behavior.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
Never try to communicate logic to a child who is in the middle of a screaming fit; it just doesn’t work. Letting your child scream is all right as long as she is safe. Do not prolong the tantrum by rewarding it with attention. Ignored, the temper will dissipate by itself. Wait until your child calms down before speaking. Then you can say, “Now, don’t you feel better?” When things are peaceful, say, “I want to talk with you about what happened.” In explaining the behavior you want, emphasize what’s in it for your child. If your child is too young to understand, communicate through your actions: ignoring the behavior you don’t want, giving lots of attention to the one you do.
Give a Whale Done!
If your child has been upset before in some situation and is not upset this time, be sure to call attention to the change and reward it. If in the store situation your child puts a toy or food item back on her own, praise her, and even offer her the treat as a reward. There is nothing more rewarding, for both parent and child, than surprising your child with a reward or special celebration for good behavior. The delight of the unexpected is in itself reinforcing. It’s important not to use the same reward all the time; it could eventually lose its reinforcing value. Remember: you are always trying to call to your child’s attention the things she does correctly—that is, to “catch her doing things right.”
Mealtime
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Mealtime should be fun, but it can be a headache when a child is resistant to some food the parent rightly wants included in the diet. Start with a plan for making the experience enjoyable, then get creative! Be sure your child is hungry (don’t give him snacks or milk just before mealtime). Camouflaging new foods is okay, but never use dessert items to tempt a child for meal items. You can make dessert the reward for eating all that is presented at that meal. Again, don’t expect it to happen all at once. Take small steps and praise the progress.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
If your child spits food out, find another way. (For example, in introducing Josh to peas, the next mealtime after such an episode, Amy might have purchased the peas in pods and had Josh help her shell them, building interest in the food.) If possible, explain to your child the fun of having many, rather than few, items on the menu. Introduce each new food in a special way, knowing that you are helping your child become accustomed to a life-long acceptance of a healthy, well-rounded diet. Also, be aware that your own mealtime behavior can communicate louder than words. Avoid sending the message “Don’t eat what I eat; eat what I say!”
Give a Whale Done!
Always make a fuss whenever your child includes a new food or overcomes an aversion to something. Notice and reward even small steps or approximate successes. Often parents use food as reward or reinforcement for good behavior, but children can come to expect these things every time they act in a desirable manner. Varying rewards is important—from verbal praisings, to treats, to toys, to special privileges, and so on. A Whale Done sticker chart works well, as does an extra story at bedtime or a grab bag with pencils, stickers, and other trinkets. When your child performs well in some area for a week, he gets to pull out a prize.
Ending Dependency on Comfort Items
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There are times, like holidays and birthdays, when toys and gifts accumulate in a child’s life. You can use these times to teach a healthy nondependency on things. Don’t surround your child with toys. Instead, arrange them in baskets, have one basket out at a time, and rotate baskets occasionally. Keep introducing the same toys; if a cherished object is put away for a time, bringing it out creates a delightful remembering and freshness of outlook.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
Suppose your child asks for a toy that has been put away for a while. You can direct attention toward an object or experience that is already in the environment. If you lose or break a possession, try to model a good attitude (“I appreciated it while I had it!”) so that your child can begin to develop an attitude of nonattachment. If a toy of hers is broken or lost, help her to say, “I had fun with that.” The same can be said of enjoyable but temporary experiences such as trips and special entertainment events.
Give a Whale Done!
Acknowledge with praise and affection each and every step that indicates your child is able to exercise care and cleanliness of possessions. Guide your child toward cleaning and maintaining her toys, as well as putting them away carefully, and give hugs, stars, and other Whale Dones as rewards. As your child demonstrates freedom from attachment, praise and acknowledge this attitude. A reward might be a special card or meal, rather than another material object like a toy.
Teaching Your Child to Share
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Play is work for two- and three-year-olds, and it involves important learning. A playing child this age is on a kind of mission, so being asked to share a toy may be a rude interruption. If your child understands, you can go over the guidelines ahead of time: “Today I’d like to see if you can share your toys.” As you are adding gifts and toys to your child’s life, be aware of opportunities for sharing. As in the story, look for and set up opportunities to reward any behavior that approximates the one you want. A parent’s own generosity is the first ongoing line of training about sharing. Your child needs opportunities to watch you share and show delight in doing so.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
If your child refuses to share, you might demonstrate by giving some other item to the other child, showing great delight in doing so. Early on, establish this by playing with your child’s toys yourself. Gradually introduce chances for your child to share with other family members with whom she feels comfortable. If two children want the same toy, say, “Here’s a block for you, and one for you, and one for me. Now, I give my block to you. Will you give it back?”
Give a Whale Done!
Willingness to share represents a big step in your child’s development. Any action that looks like sharing—handing a toy to another, offering a bite of food—should be praised with delight as a step forward. You are helping build lifelong values of friendship, generosity and nonattachment. Begin to build your child’s habit of sharing by calling immediate attention to each behavior in that direction. Be alert to reward approximate successes, for progress in this area tends to occur in small steps.
Moral Development
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Moral intelligence is learned. Start developing it when your child is a toddler. The latest research on moral development finds that six-month-old babies are already responding to others’ distress and acquiring the foundations for empathy.
Many parents mistakenly wait until their children are six or seven to cultivate their moral side. This delay only increases their potential for learning destructive negative habits that erode moral growth. Teach, model, inspire, and reinforce so your child can achieve the virtues of empathy, conscience, self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance, and fairness. Above all, be a moral example yourself.
Ignore failure and/or redirect
Parents who hold these traits as strong values can have a tendency to lecture or reprimand a child whose behavior shows a lack of them. Avoid this by remaining positive and patiently working toward developing the moral sense in your child. This is an area where redirection is essential. When observing an infraction, avoid the temptation to react on the spot. Choose a time when you and the child are calm. Communicate respect and understanding as you describe the behavior you saw without blame. Go over the rules again in a kind but firm manner. With older children, you can ask questions that enhance your child’s moral reasoning: “How would you feel if someone treated you that way?” Then end with a good feeling by finding something to reward.
Give a Whale Done!
Expect your child to behave morally. Trust her to do so. Then be on the watch to catch her doing something morally right. Encourage every act of decency and caring. When it occurs, communicate the feeling “I knew you would do the right thing.” As your child adds more virtues to her moral repertoire, celebrate each evidence of her potential for self-discipline, humility, courage, integrity, and altruism.