Why Are We Unhappy?
The answer is rather simple. We are unhappy because we can’t find peace with what is. We wish things to be different from what is happening at that moment. For instance, if we see something attractive or pleasant, our mind cannot remain calm. Rather, it is drawn toward the new object, wants to stay close to it and wishes to engage with it. If possible, we want to possess it completely and use it as we desire. The Buddha described this kind of mental pursuit as “grasping.” When our mind is grasping at something, we feel unfulfilled until we have the object under our control. While sensing incompleteness, the mind is restless and dissatisfied.
Conversely, if we perceive something to be disagreeable or unpleasant, our mind wants to run away and avoid contact with it for as long as we can. If we must encounter it, we try to do so as briefly as possible. Unlike the grasping mind, the mind in this state is “resisting.” The longer we resist, the more intolerable the situation becomes. We grow increasingly anxious and even angry since we can’t walk away from it. Modern psychologists call this mental resistance “stress.” When stressed, we are almost always resisting something—be it a person, object, or situation.
The mind is an intermediary agent, interpreting how we feel about what is happening in the world around us. A raw experience is neither inherently good nor bad. It just is. Yet our minds are quick to judge and then interpret something as either pleasant or unpleasant. Not surprisingly, the same raw experience can be interpreted quite differently from person to person, as each individual has been uniquely conditioned depending upon their past experiences.
The most well-known practice for countering the mind’s tendency to wander is gratitude. When we feel thankful, we usually don’t think about what we don’t have, or what we could have. This diminishes the mind’s grasping tendency to want something else. At the same time, a grateful mind is open and receptive, so the resisting tendency of disliking what is here is also diminished. As we become glad about what has happened in the past and grateful for what we already have right now, our mind becomes calm and peaceful, unlike a resisting mind that is often full of critical thoughts, complaints, or arguments. When our heart is filled with thankfulness, there is little to no room for such negative thoughts.
Please Reject Me Gently!
Whether we’re turned down by a romantic interest, blocked by a friend on social media or didn’t get the promotion we’ve been aiming for, rejection always hurts. It lowers our self-esteem and awakens the critical inner voice. We can easily become angry, sad, and insecure while ruminating on our shortcomings.
First, there is no need to take rejection personally. Each person has unique tastes and preferences shaped by their own history. Those things were already formed long before meeting you. Therefore, if people reject you, it has much to do with their experiences and individual tastes. In addition, people subconsciously prefer what they are familiar with. Even if you are objectively the best candidate as a lover, friend, or employee, you won’t be liked if you appear unfamiliar. This, however, doesn’t diminish your value and self-worth. You are still talented, kind, and likable. All your good qualities are still there. It simply means that you and the person who rejected you are not the right match for each other.
Second, ask yourself whether you haven’t rejected some people in your own life. Haven’t you declined an offer to go out on a date with someone? Haven’t you broken someone’s heart? Haven’t you blocked certain people on social media? It is ridiculous to expect that everyone you like will always like you back. It is simply impossible. What is equally absurd is arriving at the other extreme assumption: that just because some people have rejected me, I must be unlikable and will never be able to find true love, friendship, or my dream job. This, of course, is nonsense. If you are patient and willing to continue with your effort despite some setbacks, you will eventually find what you are looking for.
Third, rejection can be a distressing experience that can leave us feeling unwanted and undervalued. When we experience rejection, it is important to surround ourselves with people who appreciate and love us. Sharing our difficult experiences with trusted friends and family can help us to alleviate the intensity of our negative emotions and feel validated. There is a saying in Korean that “Joy shared doubles the joy while sorrow shared halves the sorrow,” which highlights the importance of talking about our experiences. Therefore, it is better to reach out and talk to others instead of trying to cope with emotional pain alone.
Finding Peace in a Restless Mind
if our ultimate goal is happiness, we won’t experience it as long as our mind remains restless while constantly seeking something else. When the mind stops trying to find happiness elsewhere and relaxes in the present moment, we often experience what we have been searching for.
For example, when we purchase a house, a car, or a handbag that we have always wanted, it may seem that those external objects have made us happy. However, if we look deeper, we discover that it was not those objects themselves that made us happy, but the restful condition of our mind, which has temporarily paused the activity of seeking objects. If it were those objects that granted us happiness and peace, then we would remain happy and peaceful for as long as we possess those objects. But the fact is that we aren’t, and that we soon start to seek other objects.
Therefore, rather than struggling ceaselessly to find those brief moments of respite, perhaps the quicker way to happiness and peace is learning how to relax our mind in the present moment and appreciate what we already have. Instead of living our lives under the premise that we must wait until we accomplish something big to be happy, we can practice gratitude now and become mindful of how blessed we are already. We can wait our whole lives for that perfect happy moment to arrive, or we can put our seeking mind to rest and discover that it is closer than we might have imagined.
The Courage to Say “I Can’t”
One of the most important factors in happiness is the level of control we have over the direction of our lives. Participating in activities that align with our individual desires and needs, as opposed to conforming to external expectations, instills us with a heightened sense of ownership and direction, resulting in a happier existence. Even if an activity is widely considered pleasurable, if we lack control over it, it can still make it feel like a struggle for us. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in this situation, as they lack the courage to say “I can’t do it” or “This is not the right path for me.” Instead, they follow the expectations set by those around them, rather than charting their own course.
According to the psychologist Taekyun Hur, it is important to learn how to give up in order to be happy. Giving up does not mean being passive; it means allowing yourself to discover a new path.
It’s okay to say “I can’t do it.” Maybe this path is not the right one for you. If you stop following what other people are doing and start asking yourself what the right path is for you, you can become much happier than if you had passed that exam. If you look back ten or twenty years from today, you might even say that failing the exam was the best thing that ever happened to you. It was a blessing in disguise! So even if you feel at a loss right now, work up the courage to explore your own path.
Continue doing your work to maintain a livelihood, but also explore your interests outside of work. Pursuing both simultaneously can bring a sense of joy and eventually lead to making a living from your passions. Don’t just contemplate trying something new; instead take action even with small steps.
The Two Me’s Inside of Me
Psychologically speaking, the multiple me’s can be grouped into two basic categories. One is the “me of me,” the self that I want to be, and the other is the “me of others,” the self that family and society expect me to be. If the “me of me” concerns my personal inner desires, the “me of others” is consumed by the expectations, wishes, demands, and responsibilities of those around me, which I have unknowingly internalized.
Everyone has these two kinds of “me” inside of them, but it is not easy to create a healthy harmony between the two. In particular, the younger you are, and the more authoritarian your parents are, the more the “me of others” can overpower the “me of me.” When we are children, we learn social rules and etiquette from our parents, and we have no choice but to live under their teachings and control. But if this control is too severe, even once we have grown into adults, we won’t be able to hear the voice of the “me of me,” and in extreme cases we might feel that we don’t even have a “me of me.”
Most people do ultimately find the “me of me” as they grow older. The late Korean novelist Park Wan-suh wrote in her later years: “Now that I am older, I can wear these loose trousers with an elastic waistband; it’s nice to be able to live relaxed and free in the exact way I want to. It’s nice not to do the things I don’t want to do. In all honesty, I don’t want to be young again. How great it is to be able to have the freedom to say ‘No’ to what I don’t want to do! Why would I trade that for youth? If I feel like writing more fiction, then I will write it. But if I don’t feel like it, then that’s fine, too.”
That being said, if we completely ignore the “me of others” as we live our lives, our relationships with others may sour needlessly. Therefore, the most desirable way of living seems to be one that achieves a proper balance between the “me of others” and the “me of me.” Not living under the thumb of the “me of others,” always thinking about what others want, nor chasing only after the “me of me,” turning a cold shoulder to our relationships with others, but finding the happy balance between the two is the answer to living an enjoyable and happy life.